blahdity blah blah blah

The world is an oyster and I am just a grain of sand.

I had a man, he was really sweet. But a user. a loser. a poser. And I left him to dry out in the sun like an frenchfry. But it was me that turned hard, hateful, spiteful. There's this other man. He's friendly, and nice, but he's not what I want.

He's a good friend, but that's about it. I have no interest in him other than as a friend, and i'm not sure how to tell him that. I dont want to lose the friendship. Because of him I have a new group of friends in a town that I know very few people.

And I like hanging out with him, I'm just not ya know attracted to him.

but the first man, god was I attracted to him, I loved him, and he.. he used me, and i dumped him and i suddenly wish i hadnt.


user or not at least i was interested in him. yea i know this makes me an idiot

update!!!!!!!! Lots of update little time...

that's me.. that's BJ. He's my boyfriend.

he's a cowboy, he rode bulls. He's a sweetie. He's jobless atm. BUT he is working, just not getting paid atm. He does however do as much as possible for me even though he doesn't have a cash flow.

I know it sounds bad, and maybe i'm a dork and I just should walk way.. but..

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<inserts [...] post/rant>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<img src="" />

that's me.. that's BJ. He's my boyfriend.

he's a cowboy, he rode bulls. He's a sweetie. He's jobless atm. BUT he is working, just not getting paid atm. He does however do as much as possible for me even though he doesn't have a cash flow.

I know it sounds bad, and maybe i'm a dork and I just should walk way.. but..

<<inserts feelings from another journal post/rant>>>

Another day wrapped up in you. I smell you on my clothing. Old spice, wood, earth, hay, and smoldering fire. My cowboy. As handsome in your holy faded wranglers as the top model for some high priced fancy suit wearing company.

I'm lucky, knowing you as I do, as intimately. The feel of you beneath my hands, the warmth of your body, the heat in your gaze. The blueness of your eyes, all of these things.. I find myself needing more and more as the days go by.

No.. not just the physical, but the mental, the actual. The fact that I feel I would crumble without some sort of contact, vocal, or actual.

Singing along with the radio, our voices blending in a seduction of their own. Telling stories of the past, or sharing the ownership of a piece of artwork. We make a good team, i hope you see it.

My heart is lost, I've looked everywhere for it. I've begged and pleaded for the tiny broken thing to come back home, because I can't see myself without you, can't see myself able to pick up the broken pieces from when it hit the floor.

Those same pieces you hold in your hand. The ones once held together with twine and duct tape....

I'd always wanted a cowboy...

No one has ever been privy to that information... before now.

alas, my time grows short, and bed is calling, more later


So you see... I'm smitten. ...

wake up!

it's hellaciously early, and as I sit on the couch pondering life, and realizing that I still need a shower in the next 15 minutes, so that I can make it to work on time, I felt I should impart this bit of my life with my LJ buddies.

as of June 21 I will no longer be working at the nursing home. Both my Sister and I will turn in our resignation today, but we dated it for friday, because we need to give her a bit of advanced warning.

Her being the D. O . N. who is a very great one at that. I'll miss the residents mostly. The quirky people that I really work for. But with Finals rapidly approaching, and school drawing to a close I need to concentrate on studying, and finding a job more than ever.

therefore I am leaving :D I am doing a semi happy dance because I like the place but I do not want to be a Nursing Home nurse at the moment.


more later

three weeks left...

Remind me again WHY i decided it was such a great idea to go to nursing school? Please? I mean it's not that I don't want to be a nurse. I think it will be a great opportunity and I will love working with people. I always have. Just explain to me WHY I felt the need to go now, with idiots teaching the class that will eventually lead to a job where I have a huge role to play in saving lives.

I was more than adequately bitched out, because I did not pick out the photos that one of the instructors wanted to see on the slideshow for our capping and pinning. Not that I didn't pick out good photos, or did not have an adequate amount of photos, but not THE photos she wanted to see of her friends.

Yes friends, not classmates, mind you, not students, friends. I am on her shit list anyway, because I know her better than she'd like. I am on her shit list because well, she decided on day one that she did not like me.

This is the same instructor that told me to shut my mouth, and not to ask questions in her class at all ever, because she often doesn't know the answers to my questions. Ie- I end up proving her wrong simply because I know more than she does on many occasions.

Take today for example. She asks about a cholecystectomy (Gall bladder removal) and I point out that many people have dumping syndrome for the rest of their lives, (stomach issues) because bile is constantly dumped into the stomach, making your life a bit worse for wear, and your visits to the restroom more frequent.

yea well, she makes it a HUGE joke. "No one has dumping syndrome all the time, it goes away within a few days. Maybe SHE has that problem after HER surgery but most people never have problems with it." Which is a lie. I have known far too many postchole patients that have it, in fact I've never met one that did not have to readjust their life due to this problem.

I have never been so pissed in my life. And I get quite pissed quite often.

She always wanted to point out IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY, that I would spend the day taking photos on thursday (in class) and on friday at a clinic we are holding for blood pressure and blood sugar checks at Fred's dollar store, instead of doing the hour clinic that everyone else is required to do.

THIS is bullshit. If I had a boss pulling this sort of rank I'd up and walk the fuck out. I keep saying a little mantra of "Three weeks... three weeks." I just know I'm about ready to crack, my head is splitting down the middle and my brain is falling to the floor. And I want to go postal on some blonde haired, just got a boob job, bimbo who thinks she's some sort of goddess

I was pathetic

Thank you to my friends that dealt with me during my "I so love him" phase that I had with any guy EVER. I was the most insanely annoying twerp i've ever read.

Who knew reading back two years in a journal would cause such a migraine.

and Jess is right, (hell everyone is right) Thomas.. is SOOO not the guy.

Hell I'm not sure he is a guy, i think he's some weird alien being who infiltrated my mind and set up shop at the back and made me insane.

I've finally started reverting back to normal. :P

Ok lets be honest here, I'm as normal as I'll ever be again :D I'm happy-ish and sleepy-ish, so i shall head off to bed, and hopefully class will be painless...ish


OK so it's my 28th birthday. and I went out last night to celebrate with two of my best friends. My sister played taxicab/DD for us. That my friends is love, because when she came to get us at oh...2am, I was blitzed off my ass.

Where did we go? THe gold Star club here in newport. It isn't just a hole in the wall, it's actually quite a good atmosphere most nights...

Last night we had a strip club... male strippers. four of em. We got there just in time to watch the entire act of three of them.. number 3 was a bit scary...

Anywhoo, we had a blast, we got laid. (well leid) and I did four shots of tequilla, and a couple of other drinks. I'm surprised my liver is still working. Hangover? NO. not at all :D I'm clear and wonderful.

Realized that even these male strippers, might enjoy a woman with a bit of flesh about her more than some of the twiggies at the bar, because they'd go through the motions with a lot of women, and when it came to my best friends and I they seemed to have a hell of a time, course for two of us... we have ample cleavage and they enjoyed that immensely.

anywhoo that was a nice start to a birthday i've not been looking forward too. >.<

Happy Birfday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The days are too long, the nights too short, and I haven't enough time to study for everything. I've got people against me who wish me out of the nursing program, and they are making it their goal to have me removed.

I find myself sick again, my legs swollen, blood pressure sky rising at times, and I hate that. I just got over the flu, wasn't that bad enough?

I have no love interests at this moment, I don't have time to leave my house other than to work, or go to class, or clinic.

There is a silver lining, today of all days, instead of having to be at clinic at 630am, because it was icy last night, we are going to meet at the school at 10am. That is a big bonus! I'm so thrilled! I got to sleep a lil longer, and hopefully my legs aren't going to be as swelled today.

Overall, I wish I'd never joined the nursing program, but eh... It shouldn't be much longer before it's all over. We do graduate in July. I'll put up more information about that, when I find out more.

here's a photo of some of us in the program towards the beginning of the year. I cut out the background and inserted something funky, but that's really some of us. Can't wait til I don't have to go back to that school again.


cell gone! thanksgiving! Wedding! ACK

yea well like i said, cell is gone. Its shut off, and it's just gone. So if you need to get in touch with me email me at alabastershadow at or alabastershadow at and I'll hit you with the home #.

I hope to get another soon.

I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving, and I'm thankful for all my friends :D hope you all have a great one :D

If Jessie Leeburg happens to see this i need to talk to her! :D

Red Love you!



hey guys long time no update! Well i'm back in newport, away from the hustle and bustle of the larger city of Jonesboro. I hated living in the hood, and felt that even if i were just moving home for the time being, that Newport was far more my speed than that hellacious town.

Well I've been back for about three months, and with being back I've gotten my CNA degree, applied for nursing school, and met someone. That's right I MET SOMEONE.

Actually, I met him back in highschool but I was too busy being "mrs Flute player of the year" to even know that boys existed. HE wasn't my first pick back in school, hell he probably wasnt anyone's first pick, but he's grown into a wonderful man.

Note: It was never that there was anything wrong with the guy, just that in highschool everyone is a bit pigheaded and shallow, I think a true sign of maturity is that shallowness ebbs away leaving the more mature, more reasonable person. He's not a bad looking man now, and he's so unbelievably sweet. I really like him.

Wish me luck! lol

in other news, I'm currently working as a CNA at a nursing home and thoroughly enjoying the residents, and some of my coworkers (mostly my father and my sister) Anywhoo, it's a great place to work, and the boss is a trip. I dont like lazy people, but that's to be expected anywhere.

anywhoo congrats to Kristy in MN I'm so happy for you! I miss talking to all the old Pro's and all the new friends I have on here! Lemme know how you been!

OOh I have a new cell if you want me to call you just email me at alabastershadow (At) Don't want spammers to harass me ya know :D

Talk again soon I'll try to update a bit more regularly.

  • Current Mood
    chipper chipper


Not that i have any readers on here much anymore, but I felt an update was in order, at least to keep track of myself.

1. I moved to jonesboro... I miss home dreadfully, it's only about 45 minutes away I just feel like it's ages away and I hate that I don't see my family everyday.
2. I have the coolest roomie ever, she's my best friend and probably the only reason i'm living at the moment.
3. I dumped the boyfriend, and am trying to be friends with him, but that's not working either... Maybe I'm supposed to be alone.
4. I love/hate my job, it's a great job and I dont hate it like wal-mart, but I want to find something that stimulates me and I can be happy in.
5. I was told that with my level of bipolar i should be disabled... I don't want to be...
6. Missed work today because i was sick as a dog. feel better, but am so damn tired.not sleepy just bored and tired.
7. I feel lost and lonely, and I have no one to talk to other than my best friend, she and my brother and his girlfriend are the only people I know in this damn town.